Well, things have settled down a bit. We’ve moved into separate levels of the house now, and set up our own kitchens and bedrooms. We’re still sleeping in the same bedroom sometimes, but sometimes alone too.
I’m still grieving my wife’s decision to stop having sex with me, or her lost of libido or whatever. I can’t say that I’m feeling that graceful about it, but at least I’m not taking it out on her. She’s feeling much better having her space to herself, apparently having control over her living space really feels good to her, and I’m too messy for her. She refers to it as her OCD. She may actually have OCD, or perhaps a light case of Aspergers. She’s got a very high need to have everything stay where and how she put it, and feels comfortable with a lot of routine. All this is not a surprise, but she seems happier.
I’ve told her that come January, unless something changes for us as a sexual couple, the relationship will have to be open to me having other sexual partners (at least one, since now I don’t have any). It’s possible that having her own space will help her release whatever resentments might be getting in the way with being sexual with me, but I’m not holding my breath any longer. That’s why the three month delay. She’s agreed that I can’t be expected to be celibate for the second half of my life just because she’s no longer interested in sex, and doesn’t expect that to change. She’s willing as long as I am discreet and don’t sleep with anyone at our home, since she doesn’t want to hear me having sex with someone else. That seems fair to me. I’m kind of looking forward to it in a way.
It’s not all bad. I like having things my own way in my own space, and not being hassled if I don’t do my dishes right away or leave a drawer open or something. I’ve only told one friend, and we’re keeping it quiet for now. We’re not officially separated or anything. I can see us living together for awhile, perhaps long term, once things settle into a new pattern. It’s not like anything really has changed, except I’m not hitting on her or hopeful for affection and attention. She’s a bit more affectionate, knowing that I’m not going to press for sex, so it’s basically working out. We’ll see how that shifts once I start dating.
I’ve started to learn more about the polyamory scene in my province. Polyamory (other than the creepy sexist old geezer with young women kind) is where you have a sexual or romantic relationship with more than one person concurrently. It’s different from just sleeping around casually, in that you have ongoing relationships. We’ll see how it works out. I’m thinking I’ll try and connect with a nice woman who has a similar arrangement with her wife or husband, or someone who lives out of town.
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Hi – I have the same 3-month rule you’re using. It helped me deal with the pain associated with my husband’s affairs, his moving out of the bed, stuff like that. By and large it took me several years to fully understand what was happening back then, but giving myself some time to think, and not rushing into rash decisions, helped me at the time. And now, I don’t regret having taken things slowly at that time. I needed the time to understand and to adjust to the shattering of that marriage.
Of course, in the end it didn’t help at all with the marriage, because he used my taking things slowly as an opportunity to utterly abuse me, but what really matters is my internal progress toward understanding what I was living, and I needed that time. After having had enough time for things to settle in my mind, I did decide for a divorce, and I’ve never been tempted once to go back to that jerk.
I’m not saying that your situation here bears any resemblance to mine, but you are acting wisely in giving both of yourselves time before you consider your next move.
Besides, the polyamory thing is something I’d like to attempt at some point of my life. But I’m too afraid of strangers (meaning, people I’ve not known over a very extended period of time, to be really sure that they are totally non-threatening) to have casual sex – I’m so frightened I’ll end up raped. The only thing that wouldn’t frighten me too much would be having casual sex with my friend’s friends – but then that would be seen as peculiarly slutty.
Hi Balbrouchan,
I’m not looking for casual sex I think, more like a secondary girlfriend, someone who has a primary relationship but is looking to expand the circle so to speak. As a survivor, casual isn’t going to really work, since I need to know someone well enough to negotiate what I need sexually to feel safe. I would, however, like to have sex again… I’m noticing that now since I have hope of that, my sexuality, which had been pretty numb, is reawakening. My relationship with my wife is a lot better too. My wife is a good person so we’re behaving honourably with one another.
SDW
This is a sad decision, but probably a wise one. One comment about the poly thing: be forewarned that lots of people talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk. I’ve been in a bunch of supposedly poly relationships, & have had a lot of grief from people who like the idea of being poly in theory, but who freak out when you actually do something with someone else. No matter what your partner says, I strongly recommend that you make yourself emotionally ready to cope with any jealousy they may exhibit, because it can really hurt if you’re not expecting it.
PS: I haven’t been here for a while, but I really appreciate your previous responses to me. I can’t tell you how much they’ve helped me. You are very, very welcome to contact me if you need someone to talk to. If you’d like to email me, please feel totally welcome to do so. :^)
Yes, I know. I had a girlfriend years ago who was ‘theoretically’ non monogamous until I actually slept with someone else, and then she wanted to be monogamous again. It didn’t work out. My current wife is someone I’ve known for a long time, but I still don’t really know if she’ll be able to handle it.
Thanks for the support.
SDW
Warrior – You are handling this with your usual grace and aplomb. As someone who has been going through something similar, I just want to say – it’s okay to fall apart a little. It’s also okay to look to the future with hope, because you are taking some very poignant and beautiful action towards bettering your life. In a way, you are setting each other free, free to be your best selves. Good for you both.
– Butterfly
Hi SDW,
I’m glad that some things are actually better and that you have your own space. It sounds good that you are having separate spaces and taking time with all of this. I’m sorry for the pain that you have gone through in your marriage and sorry for the fact that you had to somewhat repress your natural self.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
sounds like a tough place to be, right now.
You know, it mostly isn’t too bad, as these things go. Maybe it’s just not on a scale of anything really bad I’ve experienced. If we have to get divorced, now that will be stressful. Right now, it’s actually not that different from how it was before, with some things that are actually better. She’s not constantly trying to change me, and I’m not constantly trying to change her. I’m putting more energy into myself and what I want to do, and feel less squashed by her expectations and what she needs. I’ve felt during our relationship, that I have to tone down the emotional, openly gay, openly pagan, artistic, flambouyant woman I am, so this is giving me some space to open that up again. We’ll see if that means we have enough common ground to stay together, but I think it’s possible, particularly if the polyamory works out.