May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Herne’s blessings – vulva healing and sexuality

Surprize! Getting the inflammation in my vulva down to a dull roar did not instantly fix my sex life.

Surprize! Struggling while trying to restore my vulva to the state the Goddess intended for it brings up unexpected daddy issues.

Surprize! The God makes a reappearance.

Surprize!  People can be exceptionally kind sometimes when you let them see you.

First off, status update. I’m at about three weeks of using the powerful steroid cream daily. It is supposed to get the inflammation in the skin of my vulva (particularly around the vestibule on the side toward the anus, where the worst of the tearing is likely to have occurred and where the flesh tag from that tearing is still apparent) down to a dull roar, so that the maintenance dose of no more than twice a week can keep it calm.  I was a bit concerned whether that would actually happen but took a day off the cream this week to evaluate. After 24 hours, my vulva was still more pink than red and not sore. Win!

New thing I am doing is taking a ton of turmeric, which is a natural anti-inflammatory. You can put the powder in capsules, or mix it with honey and eat it by the teaspoonful. That’s what I’m doing, and it tastes vile. Fortunately, it hardened up a bit in the fridge so now I just roll lumps of it into little balls and take it like pills.

You can apparently also put Turmeric on your skin directly, so I’m planning to use it as an ointment in place of the steroid cream. The options include mixing it with yogurt and putting it on, then washing it off after 20 minutes, or mixing it into an ointment and applying. I’ve chosen to do the latter, since I don’t have yogurt, but I’m not going to rule it out for future.

There is science to back up my claims it’s anti-inflammatory, and I might add links to it later. Suffice it to say that if you look up anti-inflammatory and turmeric, you will get a bunch of studies on inflammatory conditions like rheumatoid arthritis and excema. Good enough for me.  I may even track down some fresh turmeric root, which is supposed to work even better. The steroid cream wasn’t totally doing the job until I started with the turmeric, so I think it’s helping.

My sex life is good and bad. The good thing is I am actually having a sex life. The bad thing is that it takes me a long time to have an orgasm, longer than the usual average for women of 15 minutes. May I digress and point out that since the average act of heterosexual intercourse takes 7-8 minutes, this says that there are more than a few women more unsatisfied than I out there. Again, super happy to be a lesbian.

Since my new vagina and vulva hasn’t been road tested a lot, I’m not really sure what she needs in order to get to orgasm more expeditiously. I’m also reluctant to turn to my old standby, the high powered vibrator that has been my friend through the great drought of ought-five through ’11 because I think it’s hard on the old peach and her sensitive skin and nerves. However, I may need to rethink that. I know that you’re supposed to be in the moment, and enjoy what’s happening and not necessarily focus on the orgasm, and I see the practicality of that but… fuck that. I have been unsatisfied too long. I want the damn orgasm.

After having a spectacular crying hissy fit about this (thankfully discreetly behind a tree in a park, rather than passive-aggressively with one of my partners), I am coming to the conclusion that I have strong feelings about this issue.

At the labyrinth I walk for meditation today, I had a solid, if appropriately for a silent meditation space, silent cry about this, and reached out for Aphrodite, finding suddenly that she’d stepped back, and had been replaced by – Herne. The stag God who supports me on father issues, and who is also the God of rutting sexuality, stepped in. It was immensely comforting.

Some of you will remember the trance journey I had, two Samhains ago, where the Stag appeared to me and guided the soil decomposing creatures to eat away the dead bits of my body, and then replaced them with His own iridescent white light, to hold the place until healthy flesh could grow in. He asked if I was ready to let them have this dysfunction in my vulva too, and I said “Hell yes!”

I realized I was grieving once more that Daddy that I had prior to the abuse, who I believed loved me, who paid attention to me, who made music with me, who treated me like a princess. No matter that he’s a sociopath and was just grooming me, I fell for it and I loved him purely and openly. I miss that Daddy, fictitious though he was.

I asked Herne to be my daddy and he accepted. Advice, teaching me how to do things, showing me what it is to be a ‘horny’  natural sexual being, keeping me safe and comforting me when I fail before sending me out again. He’s on the job. Only the Gods can provide the depth of love and support that an adult human heart needs when her own parents have failed her. There is no human who can satisfy that child-self, but the Gods find a way to make it enough and support me when self-love isn’t enough.

I realize that my new GF, and perhaps all the androgynous and butch women I’ve loved, have been partly a search for the sacred masculine. I need Him as much as I need Her. Not the main Gods most people follow – who don’t offer something I want or need –  but the Gods of nature and human natural processes, who guide and inspire rather than control.

So after a good labyrinth walk and concurrent cry that left me temporarily drained. I returned to my shoes to find an unexpected kind gift from a stranger. Someone had left a card for a $50 discount off of relaxing massage on top of my shoes. I guess they thought I needed it.

I grieved loud and long in the car on the way home, not for my dad so much but perhaps that cry of an injured child, who, scraping her knee up the street from her home, does not begin to cry until safely in her daddy’s arms.

Blessings to all of you today and may your healing be miraculous.

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5 comments on “Herne’s blessings – vulva healing and sexuality

  1. butterflysblog
    July 2, 2013

    Warrior, this was yet another beautiful post. I have had similar experiences as yours with Herne, though mine had a different name. On a somewhat related note, I was thinking yesterday about orgasms and masturbation. Upon thinking through the issue, I realized there are only so many days/nights we have in our life, and thus only so many orgasms we will possibly have. After thinking it all through, I realized I should definitely be having more of them. 🙂

  2. Pingback: What I learned about health care and sexual abuse survivors | May We Dance Upon Their Graves

  3. Nicole
    August 31, 2013

    Thank you so much for this post. I have been spending a couple of years during meditations in Mother’s arms. She finally said to me last week that I need my Father too. I realized that I’ve never had a proper father or father figure and really need that influence in my life as well. I will check out Herne now!
    Blessings!!!

  4. Pingback: New Year Resolution | May We Dance Upon Their Graves

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