May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Grieving and staying present

"The Wedding Couple, After Abott" Photocredit: Mike Licht

“The Wedding Couple, After Abott” Photocredit: Mike Licht

Last night my wife held me while I cried for a long time. She curled around me, spoon-style, and held me solidly. I cried for the loss of her holding me in just this way, when I wake with a nightmare or flashback, or just need to grieve.

We talked this morning again, easier in the pitch darkness of our bed (my room isn’t ready yet, so we slept together last night). I told her I still have her back and I understand why she needs to live separately, and we talked a bit about opening the marriage so that I can have romantic and sexual relationships with others.  One of our biggest issues is that her sex drive disappeared completely with menopause a few years ago. She’s tried various things, including natural hormones, to fix it, with little success. We are now facing the fact that it’s probably not coming back and that I can’t be expected to give up sex for the rest of my life.

It’s our 5th wedding anniversary today, and I’m feeling sad. This morning I thought of all the people who attended our wedding, which was structured as a relationship and family blessing and was very beautiful. I know there is a tradition that the people who attend your wedding agree to be there to support your marriage. This morning, I pictured myself asking them to hold us in their prayers, not to stay together or apart in a certain way, but to continue to bless us in behaving with love and honour to one another, and for everything to work out in the best possible way. We’re lesbians, we’re already different, we don’t have to do it like anyone else does. We can be loyal to one another and hopefully keep many of the things that are good (our connection to her family, our support to one another) while letting go of what has died.

If you are inclined to, I hope you will send us both some blessing that this transformation works out in the best possible way.

Blessed be,


9 comments on “Grieving and staying present

  1. meredith
    September 30, 2011

    Dear S.,

    I think many people hold fast for you and your wife, even if they weren’t at the wedding. I do, for one, and I’m so sorry for the sadness and pain you and your wife bear, now.

    It’s hard to grow onward. Sometimes, the things that grow us also grow us apart.

    Keeping you in thought,


  2. butterflysblog
    September 30, 2011

    Dearest Warrior – Sending positive thoughts to you both and to the Universe that the Universe continues to guide both of you towards where you are supposed to be. You are doing everything you are supposed to do, exactly as you are supposed to do it, and you are both exactly where you need to be, having exactly the conversations you need to have. Prayers and healing thoughts to you both.
    – Butterfly

  3. Kerro
    October 2, 2011

    Still sending you lots of ((hugs)). Prayers, healing thoughts, good wishes. All of them.

  4. kate1975
    October 2, 2011

    Dear SwordDanceWarrior,

    Blessings to you both. And good and healing thoughts as well.


  5. Nop
    November 12, 2011

    Dear SDW, you both have all the blessings I know how to give.

    Love & hugs,


  6. balbrouckan
    November 13, 2011

    I was not at your wedding, but I nonetheless care for you. Keep on. Letting go what is no more is hard, but the pain of it ultimately becomes more bearable – and a loss can lead to a renewal and a different, better life later on. Keep being honest and open to each other, and you’ll work though it all.

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This entry was posted on September 30, 2011 by in Relationships and Survivors and tagged , , , .

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