May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

PTSD Spaciness triggered waiting for letter from mom

Lightning; My First TrySo I’ve been extra spacey lately since the news about the impending letter from my mom replying to the one I sent her three years ago. It’s not like I really notice the spaci-ness myself much, but my wife has noticed and pointed out a few things.

This morning I forgot to feed my beloved dog, and then when reminded, promptly forgot again until reminded a second time. My poor good doggy.

I’ve lost my favourite pair of glasses. No clue where they are. My wife can’t even find them and she’s usually very good at finding things I lose.

My wife tells me things and I forget them. What are they? I forget…

I ran a red light today because I got too distracted when my wife was trying to say something about what lane I was in.

I had a creepy dream where my father was my boyfriend and I was being all nice to him, behaving like his girlfriend. Creepy! The morning I went to the dentist too, as if being triggered wasn’t the last thing I needed before seeing the dentist.

What I did well was to let my wife know that I’m just going to be spacey over the next few days and there’s nothing I can really do about it.  I’m not sure if that’s true. Perhaps if I really grounded or something I’d feel whatever feelings I’m dissociating from and then I wouldn’t need to dissociate. That’s what I’d have tried back when I was a therapist and I was working with a survivor who was dissociating, although it’s harder to do for oneself. I’d book an appointment with my therapist, but really, what is there to say? I saw my brother and it went well, and my mother’s going to send me a letter, but I haven’t gotten it yet. What’s to talk about?

When the letter comes, I’m going to give it to my wife to keep in her locker at work, so it’s not in the house. I don’t know why I want to do that, but it feels better somehow. It will help me avoid the temptation to open it before I have enough support.  I’m likely to freak out afterward, so I need to make sure the timing is right.

On the up side I went to the dentist yesterday and had a filling. I’d avoided making an appointment for a couple of months, because I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but got up the courage. It was way in the back up near the gum and I was worried I’d be on my back with my mouth jammed open in pain for ages, with gunk going down my throat, something I figured would trigger me bad. I explained to the dental assistant that I was concerned I might be anxious with my mouth open for a long time, and that I thought it would help if I could close my mouth whenever  I needed to. She said that would be fine, and pointed out that there was one point in the procedure where the glue wouldn’t stick if I closed my mouth and saliva got on it. I asked how long that was likely to be and said it would help if during that time she explained what was happening. It turned out to be no big thing, ten or fifteen minutes all together and the dentist was told I was anxious and distracted me by chatting about our vacations. She didn’t even have to freeze me, which worked great. Kind of an incentive to make sure I don’t get any more cavities though.

Warrior WomanWhat do I think is at the root of my spaciness? Rage. Having contact with my stinking psychopath-enabling weak martyr of a hypocrite faux-feminist mother really fucking pisses me off. How DARE she want to have ‘a relationship’ with me? How can she really be this dense and want me to f’ing overlook that she didn’t help me at all when she knew that my vagina was ripped so bad I had two tears from one side of my vulva to the other!!!! Who the hell does she think I am? She hasn’t even admitted to the crime and I’m supposed to forget and forgive (ideally in that order)? I want to rip her apart with my bare hands, and I’m going to get words from her, words that will be full of bullshit as usual. I can’t even imagine what she would say that would be enough. If she goes on about how my letter hurts her or something I’m going to freaking blow up!

The parts of me that don’t want to pound her senseless with something heavy, are thinking that any information will be useful, and I don’t even have to respond to the letter, although, realistically I should or she’ll contact me again. However, I could wait three freaking years to respond just like she did and see how she likes it.

I may end up saying “I have now seen the scars on my vagina and vulva.  You knew I was raped. I was too seriously injured for you not to have known. You have lied to me for the last time. No, I will never have a relationship with you.  You can’t come back from this. You are dead to me. Go to hell. ”

Go to freaking hell, Mom!!

Advertisements

8 comments on “PTSD Spaciness triggered waiting for letter from mom

  1. Janey
    August 5, 2011

    I think the spaciness could reflect a mix of emotions around allowing your mother back in even in a letter. Wise to not keep it in the house, you may want to burn it!!!
    Keep everything on your terms. Glad you have a partner who is supportive. I hope you find your glasses soon. Pat your dog for me and mine. Go gently.
    Huge hugs n caring thoughts. Janey

    • sworddancewarrior
      August 5, 2011

      Yes, you’re right, the spaciness is feelings. Even writing about how angry I am makes it clear what has been under it. It seemed illegitimate somehow to be angry when I haven’t even got the letter yet, but just the communication she passed through my aunt was bad enough. No “She’s really sorry and wants to make amends for the harm she’s done you, in hopes you’ll forgive her.” but “she loves you and wants to have a relationship with you.” instead, which is really just a demand for attention.

      I’ve actually been happy and relieved having her out of my life completely. Knowing that she for sure new about my injuries gives me the backbone to cut her off completely, but the letter she is responding to was written before I knew about my scars so is more conciliatory, unfortunately.

      I may end up burning her letter, I can’t imagine having it in my house, and I’m pretty sure I burned the note she sent me before. I burned a half hearted confession letter from my father years ago, and really regretted it when it came time to go to the cops. I’ll see how I feel once I read it. Mostly I just want to tell her to back off and get out (and that’s putting it more politely than I really want to, I am Canadian, after all.).

      Thanks for the hugs and good thoughts, Janey. It feels good to know you and the others are out there and get it.
      SDW

  2. kate1975
    August 5, 2011

    Hi SDW,

    No you have not gotten the letter. However you have gotten a message from her through your aunt, and so it is totally legitimate to have anger and rage at her for using your aunt, for asking for a relationship without being honest, without telling you what happened and how she chose to deal with it all those years rather than protect you, without her grief and guilt over what she had done and not done. She wants to use you again, without bringing anything to the table. That is really something worthy of getting mad at her about.

    The dissociation can also be due to the triggering of memories of abuse and non-protection. You totally have legitimate reasons for the dissociation, perhaps many emotions and memories. That you now know more and she is responding to a letter from three years ago is also a lot of stuff to be included into the mix. I would be feeling a lot of spacey too.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      August 5, 2011

      Thank you so much for the validation, Kate. She could have said, “yes, I knew, here’s why I didn’t help you, and if you ask me to I will tell the police what happened.” but she’s giving me this bull about wanting a relationship without owning up to anything. You’re right. Thanks.
      Good and healing thoughts to you too,
      SDW

  3. Prozac Blogger
    August 6, 2011

    All I can say, just blow up. She doesn’t deserve you to hold any emotions in. With her, you don’t have to TRY to be nice. There’s nothing to be nice about.

    Blow up. Hit her. Do whatever you have to do to get this demon out of your system.

  4. balbrouckan
    August 6, 2011

    If you feel too bad about that letter, you can let your wife read it first, then tell you if anything worthy is in it. Then let several days pass, then read it yourself when you’re ready for it.

    Whatever is in it, don’t burn it.

    Many good thoughts to you !

  5. lissa
    September 4, 2011

    I never got a reply to the letter I sent my mum. that was 9 years ago. I have internal and external vaginal scaring, she cut me with scissors. at the time I wrote it I gave her 6 months to respond to a p.o. box, now Im glad I didnt get a reply it made it easier to cut the ties there and then. I was having a bad fathers day & came across your blog, thanks it helped.

  6. sworddancewarrior
    September 5, 2011

    Hi Lissa,
    I’m sorry about the events that led to your scarring and that both parents injured you physically. I’m glad reading my blog helped. You’re not alone.

    I apparently don’t have signs of scarring on the actual inside of my vagina (which makes sense, in a way since it’s all mucous membrane and wouldn’t show damage well. I know the vagina itself tore because of the flesh tags at the opening. I’m kind of glad the scars show on the outside so I have it to validate that what I remember actually happened.

    Yes, I know what you mean about the permission to cut ties. Now that I know about the scarring I’d actually prefer not to have to deal with my mother at all, so her not writing me back is better than having to read her bullshit and decide how and whether to respond. The good news is that even if she responds now, she can’t reasonably expect a faster reply from me, so I’d have a good three years to think about it and decide if it was even worth the bother.

    I was listening to a country song today going on and on about how wonderful her mother was, and at first I hated it and then I reframed it as being about the Goddess or my inner self-mother. I know I’ve had to learn to mother and comfort myself and I’m proud of it. It’s one of my best resources. It helped. Maybe taking all this gushy pro-parent stuff and turning it into love for your inner self-parent will help for you too.

    Nice to meet you,
    SDW

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email automatically.

Join 153 other followers

Top Rated

Categories

SwordDanceWarrior on Twitter

%d bloggers like this: