May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Figuring out the vulva

Sheila na gig - these are Goddess images honouring the sacredness of the doors of life. This one was found at Kilpeck Church in Herefordshire. Photocredit: Ben Grader

You know, it’s weird. In the aftermath of finding confirmation my vagina had been injured by the rapes, it’s actually empowered me to do something about the physical discomfort I’ve had on and off for a long time.

It’s quite different to look at the pain as discomfort coming from an injury, than to think of it as some sort of nebulous survivor thing, or something that I can’t do anything about. It gives me something to look for for practical help.

I’ve been reading up about vulvodynia (pain in the vulva) online, and even though my nurse practitioner wasn’t very helpful, I’ve found some self-management strategies that seem to be working. I’ve discovered that the pattern of my symptoms and what causes them fits what other women describe. For example, some women feel sore during penetrative sex, but many feel sore a day afterwards when inflammation sets in.

I’m going to list them here in case any other survivors with injured vulvas find them helpful.

In order of helpfulness

  1. VERY helpful: A  squeeze bottle to rinse irritated tissues after peeing. This is so simple and so helpful. Thanks to the gal who runs the interstitial cystitis network for this tip. Instant pain reduction. Perhaps the vascular damage or scar tissue has made the area around my urethra more sensitive. I suppose a bidet would be even better, but I don’t have one. This works great. Just plain room temperature or warm water.
  2. Massage. Yes, I mean massage, consciously loosening up all the muscles in the pelvis and vulva. Thank goodness I have a willing wife.  It’s not foreplay per see, but certainly seems to make sex more possible. One massage got me pain free for almost a week. Apparently one of the proposed causes of vulvadynia is restricted blood flow in the vulva caused by clenching the muscles.  I think that’s really possible as a cause for what’s going on with me.
  3. Just a regular quite soft pillow on my work chair seems to help even better than the donut.
  4. Sitting is bad for the vulva, apparently, and what do I do for hours each day? Sit in a computer chair. I’m trying to sort out my options on that one.
  5. Donut pillow – This is one of those rubber blow up pillows sold at drug stores called an ‘invalid pillow’. It’s sort of helpful, but puts a lot of pressure on your legs if you’re going to be sitting for a long time.    Apparently there are these foam pillows with a cut out or much softer strip down the center that are supposed to be good as well.
  6. Thinking about relaxing my vulva and pelvis while I’m walking or resting. Seems to help a bit. I notice I do seem to clench up a lot of the time, now that I’m paying attention. Interesting.

There were also some tips about sex when you have a touchy vulva that looked helpful too: http://www.ic-network.com/selfhelp/sex.html I don’t know if I have interstitial cystitis, but since many women with it also have vulvadynia too, a lot of the tips cross over. I know I had a lot of bladder infections as a young woman, and I recall recurrent pain and needing to pee but not being able to as a child which probably was a bladder infection then. If I feel one coming on now, I drink a lot of water and eat a lot of vitamin c which usually settles it.

Since the physical things are helping, I don’t think this is a body memory, although the clenching that’s causing it might be. However, I’m not feeling much emotional energy around it, so I think it might actually be mostly physical.

For the first time in a long time I’m actually hopeful I’ll have a sex life again.  It sucks to know that every time you have even gentle sex you’re going to be sore for days afterwards. Kind of makes it hard to feel it’s worth it, you know?  I’m hopeful that if I can find a way to manage it I won’t have to.

It also feels quite weird to be talking about my vagina and vulva, present day, on this blog. “What kind of person discusses her vulva online?” some voice in my head says. Some people I know face to face sometimes follow my blog and I wonder about judgment about my poor taste in talking about my peach. However, my poor little raw vaginal vestibule (see I learned a new term, its the area just outside the vagina entrance) is pretty darn sore a lot of the time, despite almost never having sex and I think other survivors might be having similar issues, so I think it’s worth talking about, despite the embarrassment.  I mean half the population has a vulva, and most of the rest of the world (save gay men, of course) are at least moderately interested in vulvae (my spellcheck rejected vulvas, and suggested vulvae, which sounds so literate)  so I think it’s just cultural bullshit that it’s a taboo topic. Incest and vaginas and vulvae,  oh my!

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6 comments on “Figuring out the vulva

  1. balbrouckan
    June 5, 2010

    Thank you for explaining those important matters, and don’t feel ashamed. People must be educated on the enduring physical consequences of being raped as a child… and survivors need to know.
    I was an object of lust for my father, but he stopped short of violence, so I’ve not been subjected to rape. Despite no pains, no scars, having a sex life has been a real challenge, and is still in some ways – despite all what I’ve lived since then, I’m still basically fearful of it. I’m also always clenching up my vulva and pelvis, and it’s not painful ; I’d think it’s a normal woman thing ?

    • sworddancewarrior
      June 5, 2010

      Thanks for the comment balbrouckan. I’m thinking fear and clenching up go together for sure. The clenching is supposed to reduce blood flow, which causes the pain. Makes sense to me. I’m sure other women clench as well, but I think I might clench more than most. I also have historically had very tight inner thigh muscles, which makes sense too.

      Hard to know what a normal woman thing is, really. 40% of us have experienced some form of childhood sexual molestation or assault, so perhaps it’s even relatively ‘normal’ to be a survivor, based on that. (Bastards!). However, I know that the loosening up helps, so it seems to be related to the itching, pain etc…

      Nice to have a bit of control over it, for sure.
      Nice to meet you,
      SDW

  2. butterflysblog
    June 5, 2010

    Hi Warrior – Another great post. I find this one very helpful, and I am grateful you posted about this.

    In my humble opinion, I don’t think it is in poor taste to talk about your vulva or vagina in your own blog. I think the poor taste happens when children are raped and no one talks about it while it is happening, or before it is happening to prevent it from happening, or after it happened. Talking about your vagina helps all of our vaginas.

    • sworddancewarrior
      June 5, 2010

      May all of our vaginas be happy, relaxed and comfortable! Thanks again for your support, Butterfly. I really appreciate it.

      SDW

  3. Pingback: Free your vulva and the rest will follow. | May We Dance Upon Their Graves

  4. Pingback: Goddess bless yoga | May We Dance Upon Their Graves

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