May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

the great divide

I can’t sleep so I’m writingthis in the middle of the night on my mini-laptop in bed. What a modern gal I am. My wife is sleeping next to me, and I”m hoping the dim light of the screen doesn’t wake her.

I’m thinking about taking a break from my therapist. It just doesn’t feel lik I’m making any real life positive changes as a result of therapy any more. If anything I’ m a bit more ashamed,a bit more depressed than has been typical, and I can’t seem to shake it. \I feel like I need to do some present day life housecleaning to feel better, to get on the physical level and her approach isn’t really that style.

I need to get this feeling of general dissatisfaction, confusion and shame about my job sorted. \I’ve taken on too much and am just not ableto do the stellar job for all my clients that I once was.

I feel overworked, anda bit burnt out. My father is still not dead, stinking Father’s day is looming (I don’t know exactly when it is, but the media is putting on more positive stories about fathers and someone tried to sell me a robot controlled helicopter today at the mall for father’s day.I didn’t tell him my father is an evil bastard and the only way I’d buy him a helicopter is if it could be reliably expected to hasten his death.

My marriage is a bit better than usual lately, and I’ve seen some of my friends more. I’m thinking I could get a nice long aromatherapy massage every two weeks for the same money as seeing my therapist and probably more benefit to my mood.

It’s not that I don’t like her or that she’s doing a bad job or anything like that, it’s just that I don’t feel like I’m getting anything done,or that seeing her right now is improving my mood or life. She’s become like a friend I complain to, and that’s not cutting it.

I need a mom, nurturing or life skills instruction. I need a small business coach or a priestess to bless me. I need to feel that it is all going to work out okay. I need to know it, with help to create a rational plan I can reasonably believe will do the job in a reasonable time span. I need hope. I need someone to tell me what vitamins to take and what exercise to do to make me feel better, who isn’t flaky or expecting me to take their advice on faith with no evidence.

I have no mother or father or big brother to believe in. I have no family but my wife and she seems fragile and overburdened herself half the time. She loves me. Today was her day off and she popped into my office to bring me snacks andvitamins and juice smoothies at intervals,did my filing and looked after the dog so I could concentrate. She’s a good person and gives me practicalsupport that I find nurturing and helpful because she loves me. does she talk abou tfeelings with me? not so much, but she doesn what she can.

The great divide is between the physical and the emotional, or perhaps both of those and the spiritual. It should all be one seamless whole, but it feels unbalanced.I need to be in my body more, I think that will help with the shame. What do I feel shame abuot? Really I’m not sure. The loss of my older brother and mother, realistically, finally, is something I’m still grieving. Their rejection seems like a rejection of some child part of me, like my inner child just can’tfigure out why my adored older brother, the safe one, the hero, treats me like I’m craxy and bad, and my own mother won’t do me the courtesy of responding to a letter I sent more than a year ago.

the great divide is between holding on to my reality, the true reality where there is actually nothing inherently wrong with me and their reactions are their own gunk and nothign to do with me at all, and the fear that somehow they are right, or perhaps just me bargaining with the loss. If I accept their premise that it really is me that is wrong, that I need to just shut up about the abuse and behave as if it never happened, then I don’t have to accept that I’ve lost them both. However, since they really do believe that, I really have lost them both. Perhaps I need somesort of grief ritual for more than my father. Perhaps it is not just him I’m burying.Like most of the survivors I know, I have finally lost my family of origin.

I was talking to an old friend of mine who I ran into yesterday. He was saying how his family had basically disowned him for being gay, but that his mom had told him years ago, that as you get older it’s your friends that matter more than your family, that your friends become your family. Perhaps this is true.

I’m a pretty intense person. Apparently us creative types, and highly sensistive people often are. I like the richness of my inner life, the depth and the interconnection of symbol and spirit that I feel and wouldn’t give it up. It’s what helps me write,what makes me care about my job, and have compassion for other people. It’s what  makes me who I am. But  being true to myself can sure make me lonely too, realising that very few people see the world as I do.

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2 comments on “the great divide

  1. butterflysblog
    May 22, 2010

    Tell me to shut up if I am being preachy here – but before you fire her, have you thought about discussing why she’s not cutting it? I mean, maybe you are right and it is time to move on, but maybe you can do something that helps her, you, and the therapeutic process in general by telling her where she’s fucking up with you. It sounds like she isn’t helping you in the way you need to be helped, and maybe it would help both of you if you told her that. Again, tell me to shut up if I am incorrect or being preachy. I really hate preachiness. 🙂

    – Butterfly

    • sworddancewarrior
      May 24, 2010

      No need to shut up, Butterfly, I like to think we have that kind of friendship where we can say this sort of thing. The truth is I’m not really sure how to articulate what’s not working. I used to be a therapist myself, so I’m usually pretty clear about what I need to work on and how, and she just kind of ‘spots’ me like a weightlifting training buddy, so perhaps she’s gotten used to being passive. But I’m done most of the urgent stuff right now, and I feel like I’m dithering and whining a bit and she isn’t doing much to help it be more productive. I mean, I can go on till the cows come home about how sad I am to lose my mom and my brother, and all the other losses of my life, but really I’ve been grieving my whole life about my family and while it’s necessary to do it when it comes up, I can successfully grieve at home without paying her $110 an hour to listen to me (especially since I don’t feel like I get it cleared out or to a deeper level), and maybe a nice aromatherapy massage would help me cope better with my grief and my anxiety for the same money than an hour of hearing myself tell her what I hear in my head all the time.

      What I go to therapy for is to be witnessed, to do my scariest work with someone there to have my back, like trying to lift the heavy bar bell in a bench press and have someone there to steady it and keep it from falling on my neck, so I feel safer to do the scary stuff.

      I have lots of issues and stress right now, but nothing I can get traction on. I have some work dissatisfaction that she’s not really giving me anything productive on, she’s not a very cognitive behavioural kind of therapist, and I have relationship stuff that we seem to be sorting out (painfully slowly) on our own so nothing to do there, and I have the grief about my mom and my brother, again, nothing to do but feel it. I have trouble staying focused getting things done that I want to do and feel a bit off, like my body isn’t right, but it’s nothing a medical doctor would think serious enough to treat (especially since I’m pretty high-performance at work), and more something I have to sort out on my own with diet and exercise perhaps or find a competent naturopath or something.

      Of course, this could all be bullshit and I’m really on the edge of something and don’t want to be vulnerable with her or trust her. All this about her not being quite competent enough for me could be fear. I’ve done end runs on myself before and sometimes I’m even afraid I’m a little bit multiple, since I seem to be excellent at hiding information from myself. I almost fired her a couple of months ago for similar reasons and it turned out my inner kid was mad at her for taking time off while I was having a hard time over December. I do have a thing about needing to be assured of the competence of anyone I let lead.

      Despite my self, I’m going to attend my next session and let her know it’s not working, but I’m not sure how to say it, since I don’t really know what the deal is. What feels closest to the truth right now is that I need to work from the practical earth now rather than the emotional water, I need to be dealing with my body and my current day physical reality, which is not usually my preferred model.

      SDW

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