May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Hard time

I’m having a rough time. Losing my older brother has really sent me into grief. First my mother hasn’t responded to my letter in over a year, and now my brother seems to have written me off.  My wife and I sent off our ‘solstice letter’ to a bunch of people with Christmas cards, mostly her relatives, and to my mom and brother and a few of my relatives as well. I got a birthday card from my mom with some cash in it. This, from my mom’s perspective, is an insult, as she loves to shop and makes a big deal about buying gifts.

I’d really rather she never give me anything at all, and actually we’re not buying gifts this year, just donating to charity in honour of both my wife’s family (this is what they want) and my own (who probably will hate it, since they’re materialistic, but whatever). One of the charities we selected is one that provided me with free counselling and help making my police report about twenty years ago, so it feels good to be in a position to give back.

My rough time is just the grief, and the feeling of being relatively alone with it. It’s not like anything major has happened recently, like someone dying, or losing a job or being injured, it’s just old grief catching up to me.

One thing I wanted to ask about. Do any of you other survivors have trouble with exercise?

I’m afraid of exercise because I often have a strong emotional reaction when I do. Lifting weights, I get really angry afterward, and feel volatile. Doing Kung Fu, it gets hard or stretches the wrong thing and I break down in sobs. Trying to run, I get scared. Doing yoga, I break into tears, not gentle quiet tears I can hide, but wracking sobs I have stuff down until I can sneak to the bathroom to let them out. I don’t do much in the way of exercise as a result. I can go for long walks with no bad effects, and can dance, and that’s about it. Anyone else have issues with exercise?

I’d really like to find a bodyworker / massage therapist that I could work out the stuff stored in my body with. They’d have to be someone who knew about the abuse and would be able to be compassionate and not shut me down if I went into a flashback, but instead actively chase down the stored gunk and process it.

I felt near tears all day, and am a bit better now. I took some B vitamins, which I haven’t been doing lately, and which seems to help a lot. I feel better, now, a few hours later. My wife is working on her health stuff, but doesn’t have a lot of comforting to spare, and I don’t have much in reserve for myself right now. Thank Goddess I’m not a mother. I think I might be depressed – I feel foggy-brained and stupid, as well as teary. I’m just over my period, so I don’t think it’s hormones.  This week is my birthday, and I’ll be seeing some good friends, so that’s good.

Anyways, I wanted to explain why I haven’t been writing or commenting much lately. I’m going to be okay, but I just don’t have much extra right now.

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4 comments on “Hard time

  1. kate1975
    December 17, 2009

    Hi SDW,

    I’m sorry that this is hitting you hard. I understand how that would be and have gone through losses with brothers as well, though it was me who made the choice to cut them off from me. I think that my feelings for them are still frozen and it would be good to eventually feel and process those emotions, including grief. It takes a lot of courage, what you are doing, and I understand how exhausting that can be. I’m glad that you aren’t extending yourself too much. This is a hard time of year to be feeling, as well as coping with the ordinary holiday and family stresses that brings up.

    I too have big issues with exercise. I can’t do stomach exercises, it brings up way too much stuff from abuse. I get real triggered. It feels so much like being abused to me. I don’t like sweating, it seems to replicate how I was feeling so much when I was scared with my heart racing. I do enjoy mild exercise. I love to bicycle, but don’t like to ride fast or all out, where I get out of breath. I loved to walk, hike, and run when I was not dealing with the pain I do now. But as I said, not to the point of really working hard at it. I have heard from some abuse survivors that they have big problems with exercise as well.

    I know that many survivors get a lot of healing and release work done with a bodyworker/massage therapist. I don’t react well to massage, it tends to make my muscles tighten up and feel much worse and more pain. I think that you would find a lot of healing in doing this in the future. You know what you want, what to ask for, and have a lot of skills to do this kind of healing work.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. Marie
    December 18, 2009

    Hi, SDW –

    Oh . . yes, the exercise thing.

    It just so happens that yesterday’s post on my blog is about that . . . and it refers back to a previous post on that . . . instead of taking up space here, I’ll just point you to those posts:

    http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/2009/08/03/april-2-2009/

    http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/august-2-2009/

    You may want to read some of the comments for the first one — several other people shared that they have the same experience. So . . you aren’t alone!

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

  3. pumpkin
    December 19, 2009

    Hi – yes big issues with exercise. I recently bought a treadmill and I am finding power walking on that in the privacy of my own home is quite useful.

    Re finding an appropriate bodyworker – which country are you based in? I am looking for one too?

    Pumpkin

    • sworddancewarrior
      December 20, 2009

      I’m in Canada, but I haven’t found one yet. I’ve heard of ‘somatic reexperiencing’ therapy (I think that’s what it’s called) but don’t know anything about it.

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This entry was posted on December 16, 2009 by in Sexual Abuse and tagged .

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