May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Exercise

I’m out of shape and overweight. I’ve lost over 20 pounds this year, mostly water I think, just by counting calories and exercising a little. I’ve got about 30 more to go till I’m at the top range of what the most generous charts say I should weight for my height. Lately, I’ve been exercising twice a week with some friends – we’re trying to get in shape and lose weight, with a little friendly competition built in. Normally I avoid that stuff like the plague, but it seemed right this time and so far it’s been okay.

Whenever I get into exercising, or being sexually active on a regular basis, my emotions gets stormy. I get easily frustrated, moody and bitchy, like a bad case of PMS out of cycle.  Mostly I just want to be left alone and read a book for a long time, to still my body enough for it to go away. I’ve been exercising the past few weeks, and charged up by the ‘feminist vitamins’ of my trip I was happily surprised to not be experiencing my usual storminess.

Well the holiday is over. Today I should have been working and I’ve spent almost all of it reading a novel, and being cranky with my wife (it’s her day off) to keep her away from me whenever she intrudes upon my funk.

Craig’s death might have something to do with it – really does it matter I use his name since he’s dead and really only my family would know who he is? I don’t even know where his grave-site is, but dancing upon it is not appropriate, since I’m still not certain it was him. I don’t need to take power back from him, if I ever did,  his life seems to have done it for me, and his death, dying a homeless drunk is enough of any kind of revenge I might have needed.

What comes up in me when I exercise is perhaps a body memory, a memory (oh now I start crying) of waiting around after the rapes for my body to feel better and my fear and adrenalin to pass. The frustration of being pinned down and helpless again, with no way to win, that comes up for me easily when I am doing something physically difficult and hard.

So that’s it, a body memory of being defeated by my heavy, stench-coated, sweaty opponent. The frustration of struggle and pain and defeat. There is shame in it, shame I was not stronger, that I could not get out from under him, that I could not draw anyone in to help me, anyone that would be effective.

My brother called to tell me about Craig’s death as he will one day likely tell me about my fathers’. I think I’d told him about Craig, and he knew the import of what he told me.

Now I’m crying, properly, harder. Crying in grief relief that my brother did actually get it, did get that I’d want to be told.

I don’t want to feel helpless anymore. Would learning to wrestle defeat this feeling of being vanquished? Not unless I won every time, I think, and I’m afraid of what I might do in the heat of it. I’m a big strong amazon of a woman, and not afraid to use it, but what would it feel like at last to defeat my father, knock him out with a roundhouse punch, throw him to the ground and hold him there struggling with a knife to his throat, to tie him up and strangle him as he did me? It would dirty me, I think, to use his methods to defeat him. Cancer and time will do it for me, with my victory no less welcome.

I will be the Bear when I exercise, I will walk through this and remind myself that I am powerful, that I will never be a child raped and torn again. And when he dies I will be strong enough, fit enough to dance on his grave with physical strength and power to match that of my spirit.

So mote it be.

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4 comments on “Exercise

  1. butterflysblog
    September 5, 2009

    I am grateful that in a world such as this, the kind that rapes children, that you (and I) still have the emotion necessary to cry about horrible things. Thank G-d.

    • sworddancewarrior
      September 6, 2009

      Yes, we’re still alive and soft enough to care. I’ve often thought it takes more courage to be open than shielded anyhow.
      You’re one of my vitamins too.
      SDW

  2. kate1975
    September 5, 2009

    Hi SDW,

    I was thinking how much weight you have lost and I know you are probably focused on how much more you have to lose. I am like that too. However I wanted to say you are 40% done with your weight loss and that is almost 50%.

    I’m glad that you are exercising with others and that there is that kind of friendly competition in there, something that feels good. That is good.

    Perhaps this death has interfered with your holiday. It might only be a short period of time and you could go back to feeling like you did before. Just a thought.

    My mother, my sexual abuser, died of cancer as well. I thought it was only justice.

    You are powerful. You will triumph. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      September 6, 2009

      I’m starting to warm up to Cancer. I know nice people die of it too, but it seems to get the nasty ones for us. Well done, Justice Cancer!
      I’m actually not too stressed about losing weight, I’m more interested in reclaiming the ability to be physical without all the emotional gunk. I think I might have a shot at it.

      Blessings and healing thoughts to you too, Kate.
      SDW

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