May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Rage

Anger is not my strong suit. And since my body stores my anger, the only way to keep the anger in my body is to hold my body still.

Today, I am angry.

I got sidetracked into writing letters to relatives, which brings me more into my head than my body, but needs doing as well.

I guess it’s just enough to say I want to rend and destroy, stomp and tear and that my rage feels so big that I don’t know what to do with it all.

It’s good my father doesn’t live in my town or it would be so tempting to drive over and rip him apart with my bare hands.

That’s how mad I am.

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8 comments on “Rage

  1. kate1975
    August 4, 2009

    Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

    I wanted to say that at times I have felt exactly the same way. I felt as though I was finally being able to feel what I felt when I was tiny, vulnerable and living with my child rapist. I thought that I could tear her limbs literally off her body. Sometimes I still feel this way.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    • sworddancewarrior
      August 4, 2009

      Yes, you get it exactly. Thank you for that.

      Good and healing thoughts to you too.

  2. tunpa
    August 4, 2009

    HI, I have been lurking around for a few days. I can relate so very much to abuse. Worse for me was that my mother knew and didnt interfere. Ever since I feel like an emotional orphan.
    Just recently I found out that my mother left my two older half sisters by her first husband when she left. An raging alcoholic. She left two todler then by an alcoholic. Ever since i dont wonder anymore how easily she has given me in the hands to the next husband.
    Like for you I have still some difficulties to deal with anger and rage. What I did manage by now is to turn this destructive nergy into something “positve”. I make bread. Kneting my rage into the dough. Run through nature. On the end being pagan I find my serenity within the nature again.
    Now I have written so much.
    Just wanted to let you know there is one more out there thinking of YOU, feeling with you, believing in you.
    http://pneumeier.blogspot.com/

    • sworddancewarrior
      August 4, 2009

      Hi Tunpa,
      Yes, doing something positive or ‘constructively destructive’ works for me too. I once ripped up a whole bunch of turf in my front yard and made a garden bed when I was angry. Very satisfying.

      I was remembering today being angry at an ex boyfriend and getting on the stairmaster at a gym and imagining stomping on his head. Maybe I can get exercise and murder my father in effigy at the same time. ūüėČ

      I’m sorry about your mother. Having a complicit mother (or an abusive one) sucks a lot.

      Thanks so much for your comment. It means a lot to know I’m not alone.
      SDW

  3. vickiinaz
    August 4, 2009

    Hello,
    Wow, what an insight “the only way to keep the anger in my body is to hold my body still” I have longed for stillness, worked for it, striven to be still for any length of time without falling asleep. I think this must be one of the reasons why I have needed stillness, I’ll never work through it if I can’t feel the anger.
    Thank you for sharing this.
    Healing thoughts from me too.
    Vicki

    • sworddancewarrior
      February 26, 2011

      Yes, I think that’s why I’ve craved stillness too. That makes sense. Although I think stillness is a good thing too, but it definitely has a shadow side. I’ve been all about keeping the anger in for too long. Thanks for commenting.

  4. Ceara
    August 6, 2009

    I hear you about anger/rage. Hang in there. Is all I can say. I’m sending positive thoughts your way. Healing for heart and spirit and may the earth embrace you with her beauty and love.

    • sworddancewarrior
      August 6, 2009

      Hi Ceara,
      Thank you for the blessing.
      The rage seems to have blown over for now – at least till I exercise I guess.
      Blessings to you too. I love your icon by the way.
      SDW

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This entry was posted on August 4, 2009 by in Sexual Abuse.

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