May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

One foot in front of the other

I went and looked up the name of a lawyer I want to talk to about pressuring my dad into confessing. I want to have a confession or something like that before he dies so I can do the activism I want to do without having to use the word ‘alleged’.  With the evidence of the scar tissue, and a good lawyer, I wonder if I could get him to sign a confession in exchange for me not suing him into bankrupcy or reopening the criminal case.  Like the clinic for the pap test. I’ve printed up the contact information, which has been sitting on my desk for several days, waiting for me to decide when and whether to move forward. Talking to a lawyer doesn’t mean I’ll go through with it, and I’ve already decided it definitely doesn’t mean I’ll talk to my father about it. That’s what lawyers are for.

Things are always in tension for me between making meaning of my life, fighting injustice and expressing my creativity in the world. The first five years or so of healing, that was my main focus in life. Everything revolved around healing and reclaiming myself and my body. Life was simple. Now, 21 years after I began, it becomes a choice.

I am proud of what I did in finding proof and having a vaginal examination on my own terms. I am also proud that I’ve been meditating and going outside and enjoying the sunshine at least once a day, for the most part. The other things I wanted to incorporate into my daily routine aren’t getting done as regularly, if at all.  My therapist says it takes awhile to make changes into habits, even positive or enjoyable ones, and I’m finding that to be true.

I’ve practiced singing one more time since the time when I felt the joy, and it wasn’t as good. I’ve been avoiding it since. I love singing, but I’ve thrown up a block for myself. I do this all the time. Sometimes I think it is a part of the anxiety that is a part of being a survivor, that I close off my channel to passion once it starts to flow.

I brought my guitar to my wife’s family reunion recently and did a bit of campfire singing, which counts as practicing my guitar. I’m learning to play the bodhran, which is a tradional Celtic drum. I seem to practice it more than anything else, perhaps because it blows off some energy.

I think what it is is that, fundamentally, I’m lonely. I’ve got all this powerful stuff going on and rarely see anyone but my wife (I work from home) and certainly speak to few people who I think will get it. I’ll try this weekend to make contact with some friends, which might give me some momentum.

Photocredit: Brian Auer

Photocredit: Brian Auer

I didn’t know how I was going to end this post until I went searching for a photo to put with it. In my religious tradition, having one foot in the water and one on land means to pay attention to both the realm of feelings and the soul and practical life. To be balanced in this way is to be in Grace. I went looking for some bare feet walking, then realized I meant bare feet on the beach and then saw this one. That’s what I’m doing, trying to walk with one foot on water and one on the earth. Sometimes I sway more into one world than the other, but I’m best when I can walk in both.

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6 comments on “One foot in front of the other

  1. kate1975
    July 22, 2009

    Hi,

    Beautiful metaphor. Beautiful photo. Beautiful life path.

    You have a lot to be proud of. Big leaps in healing. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. kerro
    July 23, 2009

    What Kate said. I love the photo and the metaphor.

  3. mmaaggnnaa
    July 24, 2009

    Hi, SDW –

    Your words continue to resonate with me . . .

    I, too, have been in isolation for many of the same reasons you list. I went hiking this last Sunday . . the first time in almost a year. I absolutely love to hike, so why is it so hard for me to go . . . ??

    I think you are right in saying it is about starting/stopping the flow of energy . . . and, the isolation is a bit of a healing hibernation for me as well.

    I’m still working through this one. My thoughts are with you . . .

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
    http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/

    • sworddancewarrior
      July 24, 2009

      If you figure out the stopping the flow of energy bit before I do, let me know, it’s a real drag. Although probably in my case it’s self preservation. I step out quite a bit as it is without being fully connected to my passion. Imaging how fast and furious life would get if I was hooked up? Maybe it’s a practice thing, gradually getting accustomed to being bigger, more ‘out’, more passionate, more alive. Maybe next year this time I’ll be amazed at how far I’ve come. I hope so.

      SDW

  4. butterflysblog
    July 24, 2009

    I love the land and water part – thank you so much for explaining this.

    You lead us all with your bravery, Warrior. You are quite possibly the very bravest person I know, and frankly, just knowing that you exist out there somewhere makes me feel good. I imagine you standing there with your sword (and in my mind, a shield too), and it just makes me feel so good. In a way, I know this is odd, but it makes me feel not alone. More than not alone. It makes me feel like one of us survivors is finally winning. More than anything, it makes me really really grateful to know you, even if it is over the internet.

    Thank you so much for keeping this blog, Warrior. It means a lot to me.

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