May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Blues

Photocredit: Kwerfeldein

Photocredit: Kwerfeldein

So today I feel really crappy. Sad, depressed. About half is probably my provincial election results (which happened yesterday) and the other half is feeling sad and a bit afraid about what I remembered yesterday.

My poor six year old self. She’d begun being raped at five, and now had something horrible happen to her in the basement she tried to escape from (brave little amazon!).

She would have had no-one to go to for help. In those days,  a father could do anything – hit a child in public, publicly berate her, even had someone walked in on him catching me scrabbling up the stairs, in the abscence of some pretty suspicious blood or evidence,  they would have scolded me for not being a good girl and doing whatever it was my father wanted. Who am I kidding, it’s still like that now.

[possible trigger here, nothing graphic]

I’m afraid there’s more to come. Two big pieces. The second I haven’t mentioned so far, involves my father forcing me to kneel with my head down with his foot on my back while he forced me to agree with something he was saying, some rationalization about the abuse.

[end of trigger part]

I remember watching US politics, the way George Bush jr stole the election that one time and then it was close the second time, and all the truly evil things they were/are getting away with doing – patriot act human rights violations, torture at Abu Graib and Guantanamo bay, invading a country without a real reason other than oil (no WMD, remember). It took so long, and so much blatant evil to get that bastard kicked out, because he was rich and entrenched.  The Dixie Chicks almost had their career ruined for saying something most of the rest of the world already knew to be true – George Bush was a bad guy and someone to be ashamed of. Four years later, people are ready to kick him out, and they pick someone who seems mostly good, and whose election fights racism in a really powerful way,  to replace him. But really, why does it have to get that bad? People died (and die) to get unions for something as morally right and sensible as fair pay and safe working conditions. Women were beaten and killed over getting women the vote in some countries. Why does it have to be so hard to do good?

Well our current provincial leader and his buddies are not invading or torturing anyone, but they have lots of documented corruption, and their policy decisions are hurting people and the environment in severe and irrevocable ways, and they’re now entering their third term in office.  How can people be so stupid?! Is it denial? Perhaps it’s something like this: “It can’t be as bad as this, we voted for the guy. If things are this bad we’re in serious trouble. Best to believe the guy that tells you it ain’t so.”

We had a referendum and were going to reform the way we did voting, to make it fairer, a system chosen by a democratic grassroots assembly of citizens, the most hopeful and positive thing I’ve ever seen in politics in my lifetime, and I campaigned for it hard. The other side had no volunteers, no popular support, but spent a load of money on attack ads to make it seem scary and confusing to uninformed (and in some cases, stupid) voters and the thing didn’t pass.

Photocredit: Pandiyan

Photocredit: Pandiyan

I prayed for it to pass, I planted hopeful seeds and plants and burned candles on my altar with fervent if, I now realize, unfocussed prayers. When I found out it didn’t pass, something hopeful and Earth positive and good that surely was in the Gods’ plan and influence, I felt deeply abandoned. The message I get back, is that this will take time. Perhaps a setback is part of the eventual solution.

People are always slower than I am at spotting abusers, and implementing solutions. They eventually figure out I’m right, but it takes sooo long. This is part of being a survivor, I think. We know what an abuser looks like, in politics or in life and are often not believed at first. Even if not enough people are ready to believe yet, they will be. I hope it will not be too late.

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.”
Mahatma Gandhi

….all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,–‘Wait and hope’.
Alexandre Dumas

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10 comments on “Blues

  1. butterflysblog
    May 13, 2009

    Dear SwordDanceWarrior,

    This post really touched me. You have managed to capture exactly a feeling that I am always unable to put into words, and you have yet again managed to do so, and so eloquently. You really are such a prolific writer. Thank you so much for writing what you do – it always touches my deepest scariest places.

  2. kate1975
    May 13, 2009

    Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

    I too find a lot of parallels between abuse, survivorhood, healing and politics. I’m sorry that the politics in your area are not being changed. Though I understand and agree that often things take time and much more effort to accomplish real sustained and lasting change.

    I believe that Bush stole both elections. There was evidence to really concern people, but our system and those in power managed to steal the country from the voters.

    I too am very good at spotting abusers. Though it took me a while to trust it and I still am not always believed in. I do believe that survivors have more intuition due to necessity and just need to learn how to believe.

    I’m so sorry that you were abused so young and that you experienced that step incident. I have some stairs incidents in my past as well.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  3. murderousthoughts
    May 14, 2009

    Your posts always make me stop and think, they touch me deeply. You write SO well…I am sorry you had to go through this. Sometimes I think that I was so horrifically abused and suffered so much that I should have suffered for EVERYONE and no one else should have ever been abused. Silly thinking I know. *hug*

  4. butterflysblog
    May 14, 2009

    There’s actually an article out there by Eileen Zurbriggen called “Betrayal Blindness”, and it’s all about the fact that the public was duped by the president into electing a liar, the same way that abused kids need to believe that parents who are kicking the crap out of them are okay.

  5. sworddancewarrior
    May 15, 2009

    I think there’s something here. Maybe the problem with our political worlds is sourced in the fact that 2/5 women and 1/6 men have been abused in their own families and in order for that to continue as it has, we’ve developed sick patterns of not seeing betrayal and evil when it’s of a magnitude that upsets our applecart. Survivors have had to learn to see and accept that these things happen, so we see it clearer. Perhaps this makes meaning of our combined suffering – by healing and reclaiming our space we can help heal the world. If God(s) have an intention about all this, perhaps this is it.

  6. kerro
    May 15, 2009

    @ Sword Dance Warrior, your posts always touch me as well. Your honesty is incredible – you strike at the heart of what it is to be a survivor and to grapple with life. I’ll confess that sometimes the rawness of your posts scare me, and I don’t quite know what to say. That sounds awful, but I mean it in a positive way. You make me look at myself and my own experiences in different ways. Thank you.

  7. butterflysblog
    May 15, 2009

    I think that is a really beautiful thought, Warrior, about healing the world by healing ourselves. As you know, Frank Warren of Postsecret, says that the children that the world almost breaks become the adults who will save the world.

  8. kate1975
    May 15, 2009

    Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

    I totally agree with you.

    When I was in college I took an Ecopsychology course and one of the goals of the course was to see where you individually needed to heal and where you needed to help the world to heal, as an adjunct to healing personally and growing in your own empowerment. I liked that idea and try to approach issues that way now. It helps me feel as though what I am doing right here and now has a broader reach and impact because I can engage on some political issues and have some awareness of what is wrong and what needs to change.

    I think you are doing a great job of dealing with a lot of different things coming at you at once.

    Kate

  9. kate1975
    May 15, 2009

    Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

    I totally agree with you.

    When I was in college I took an Ecopsychology course and one of the goals of the course was to see where you individually needed to heal and where you needed to help the world to heal, as an adjunct to healing personally and growing in your own empowerment. I liked that idea and try to approach issues that way now. It helps me feel as though what I am doing right here and now has a broader reach and impact because I can engage on some political issues and have some awareness of what is wrong and what needs to change.

    I think you are doing a great job of dealing with a lot of different things coming at you at once.

    Kate

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