Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.
So today I feel really crappy. Sad, depressed. About half is probably my provincial election results (which happened yesterday) and the other half is feeling sad and a bit afraid about what I remembered yesterday.
My poor six year old self. She’d begun being raped at five, and now had something horrible happen to her in the basement she tried to escape from (brave little amazon!).
She would have had no-one to go to for help. In those days, a father could do anything – hit a child in public, publicly berate her, even had someone walked in on him catching me scrabbling up the stairs, in the abscence of some pretty suspicious blood or evidence, they would have scolded me for not being a good girl and doing whatever it was my father wanted. Who am I kidding, it’s still like that now.
[possible trigger here, nothing graphic]
I’m afraid there’s more to come. Two big pieces. The second I haven’t mentioned so far, involves my father forcing me to kneel with my head down with his foot on my back while he forced me to agree with something he was saying, some rationalization about the abuse.
[end of trigger part]
I remember watching US politics, the way George Bush jr stole the election that one time and then it was close the second time, and all the truly evil things they were/are getting away with doing – patriot act human rights violations, torture at Abu Graib and Guantanamo bay, invading a country without a real reason other than oil (no WMD, remember). It took so long, and so much blatant evil to get that bastard kicked out, because he was rich and entrenched. The Dixie Chicks almost had their career ruined for saying something most of the rest of the world already knew to be true – George Bush was a bad guy and someone to be ashamed of. Four years later, people are ready to kick him out, and they pick someone who seems mostly good, and whose election fights racism in a really powerful way, to replace him. But really, why does it have to get that bad? People died (and die) to get unions for something as morally right and sensible as fair pay and safe working conditions. Women were beaten and killed over getting women the vote in some countries. Why does it have to be so hard to do good?
Well our current provincial leader and his buddies are not invading or torturing anyone, but they have lots of documented corruption, and their policy decisions are hurting people and the environment in severe and irrevocable ways, and they’re now entering their third term in office. How can people be so stupid?! Is it denial? Perhaps it’s something like this: “It can’t be as bad as this, we voted for the guy. If things are this bad we’re in serious trouble. Best to believe the guy that tells you it ain’t so.”
We had a referendum and were going to reform the way we did voting, to make it fairer, a system chosen by a democratic grassroots assembly of citizens, the most hopeful and positive thing I’ve ever seen in politics in my lifetime, and I campaigned for it hard. The other side had no volunteers, no popular support, but spent a load of money on attack ads to make it seem scary and confusing to uninformed (and in some cases, stupid) voters and the thing didn’t pass.
I prayed for it to pass, I planted hopeful seeds and plants and burned candles on my altar with fervent if, I now realize, unfocussed prayers. When I found out it didn’t pass, something hopeful and Earth positive and good that surely was in the Gods’ plan and influence, I felt deeply abandoned. The message I get back, is that this will take time. Perhaps a setback is part of the eventual solution.
People are always slower than I am at spotting abusers, and implementing solutions. They eventually figure out I’m right, but it takes sooo long. This is part of being a survivor, I think. We know what an abuser looks like, in politics or in life and are often not believed at first. Even if not enough people are ready to believe yet, they will be. I hope it will not be too late.
“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.”
….all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,–‘Wait and hope’.