May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

Unhiding continued

So I didn’t go and make music this week. The sore throat won. However I did compile a bunch of lyrics and listen to a lot of songs that my musical colleague wants to do, and prepared a chart of an original song we’re going to work on together. I kept going. I also practiced my guitar, enough that the calluses on my fingers are starting to come back.

Photocredit: Martin LaBar on Flickr

(See the ant? I think of this picture as 'baby steps amid passion') Photocredit: Martin LaBar on Flickr

So, not leaping wildly out of the hiding space, but still moving. Baby steps.

I’m not long on persistence when it comes to things for me, particularly things I want desperately. I have no patience with suffering for long periods, holding on and hoping for things to get better, for people to change. All that has failed me spectacularly. It takes enormous faith, now to keep going when progress is slow or things get frustrating. The anxiety of waiting is a lot to bear.

So continuing with the baby steps in the face of obstacles is a good thing.

I still haven’t heard anything from my mother. Which is a good thing, I guess. I’m thinking, slowly, about what I’m called to do with my life, trying things on in my head like a new sweater, putting it on and checking it out in the mirror.

My wife is the best clothes shopping ally. She tells me when something makes my butt look good, or is too tight and doesn’t flatter me, even if I’ve fallen in love with the colour or fabric. She says if it doesn’t delight me, there’s no point buying it, even if it’s on sale. I almost always find something I feel, if not beautiful, at least respectable in when I go shopping with her. Without her, I almost never find anything for my atypically sized body.

I need a little support, a way to reinforce the small voice that knows the truth inside me. Sometimes writing will do it, rarely a friend will be able to get inside my strange and beautiful brain to hold a mirror to my ideas. Sometimes my wife will do it – she’s particularly good with business problems and telling me my work is valuable and worth every penny.

Encouragement is so important, being understood is so important and a little goes a long way. That’s one thing we miss out on as survivors when we ‘pass’ for non-survivors, the sense that someone knows and understands, that our reations and feelings are normal given the circumstances. It is only in community with one another that I understand this in my bones. I’m very grateful.

Small Steps

Small Steps

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6 comments on “Unhiding continued

  1. kate1975
    April 2, 2009

    “Baby steps amid passion.”

    I love that. The picture is so awesome. A real great visual for me to remember. Thanks for that.

    “So continuing with the baby steps in the face of obstacles is a good thing.”

    So true. Thanks for your words of wisdom. I need the reminder today.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      April 3, 2009

      Yes, I love finding these pictures in flickr. I do this kind of intuitive search where I find a theme or image subject that fits the ‘soul’ of the post, and then look for it on flickr, where you can search for pictures based on what they let you use it for. Most will let you post it elsewhere if you credit the source. I always find some beautiful ones – they’re like photo-poems to me.

      • kate1975
        April 6, 2009

        Yes you are right they are like photo-poems. Thanks for finding them, they are so great.

        🙂

        Kate

  2. butterflysblog
    April 3, 2009

    You really hit the nail on the head with this statement “When we ‘pass’ for non-survivors. That brought up so many images and memories in my head – wow. All the times that I am sitting there with people who don’t know my history and say something incredibly stupid about survivors, and I have to sit there and not say “You’re talking about me too. I know you didn’t know that, but there is a good possibility that you’re stupid.”

    • sworddancewarrior
      April 3, 2009

      I love your attitude, Butterfly, “there’s a good possibility that you’re stupid”. Yes, and don’t GET me started on the portrayal of survivors on tv.

  3. Pingback: Compost « May We Dance Upon Their Graves

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