May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

No Letter

My wife nailed it. She said “there isn’t going to be a letter, she didn’t get what she wanted.”

According to my aunt, my mom has allegedly written a letter in response to the one I wrote her a few years ago. That letter I wrote 3 years ago is of course out of date, since it was written before I knew about the scars on my vulva which prove not only that I was raped as a small child, but that my mother had to have known about it at the time and didn’t get me medical or police attention for my wounds.

Surely if I’d been brought to a doctor they would have sewn me up, as they would a woman who had given birth and torn in the way I did. I clearly wasn’t sewn up, as I have flesh tags and two long ragged scars. Apparently, vulva wounds on children often heal without scars, so the fact that I do speaks to the severity and perhaps repeated nature of the injury. And if I had been brought to a doctor, my father would have been arrested for raping me. I suppose it’s remotely possible, people being the denying assholes they often are in the face of child abuse, that even with hard evidence in front of them the police or doctor would not have helped me, but somehow I doubt it, and I further doubt that my mom would have hidden it from me all this time if she’d actually tried to get me help. So therefore, she knew and did nothing, and as a result is dead to me.

My mom only told my aunt she’d written a letter to get herself off the hook with my aunt I think, and probably also as a bid to see me. My aunt told me she’d be leaning on my mom to get her to respond to me with the info I requested, so this is the counter move. My response was clear, no direct contact, only via letter. I told my aunt about the scars and that my mom didn’t know about them. It’s possible she passed that information along (which would be fine with me).

Anyhow, I’m going on vacation in a couple of weeks that is a spiritual pilgrimage for me so I was hoping I wouldn’t get a reply before that, so that I could avoid having to process it during my vacation. Status quo has been restored, no contact with my mother, who is dead to me anyhow. There’s nothing she could do now, short of disclosing a phenomenal amount of coercion she’s never mentioned before, to restore her to a living presence in my life now.

One of the temples I’ll be visiting on my trip is called the Hypogeum, it’s a womb-temple to the Goddess. It’s underground, painted in red ochre to resemble a womb and when discovered, contained seeds of grain and a beautiful statue of ‘the sleeping lady’ Goddess. Apparently the acoustics inside are amazing, and we’re going to sing in there. The Goddess is the mother I have now, far more enduring and reliable than my birth mother. It feels like I have shed her like a snakeskin, and only the flakes remain.

4 comments on “No Letter

  1. kate1975
    September 1, 2011

    Hi SDW,

    That sounds about right, about her saying that to get your aunt off her back. Like how many weeks could that buy her? For sure she could have guessed that you would tell your aunt if you got a letter or not.

    Your vacation sounds great. I hope that you have a very healing and bonding time. I would love to go to the temples. And I hope you have a great vacation.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      September 1, 2011

      Thanks! I’m really excited about it. I’m not sure how long she thinks it would buy her, I think she probably thinks it will serve indefinitely. My mom is awesome about delaying doing things. She once went for four months with no refrigerator because she was uncomfortable letting her landlord into her place to replace it. My brother had to go over to visit and help her or she’d still not have one I think. If asked she can say she just didn’t feel comfortable sending it, or that she hasn’t seen my brother lately, or she forgot to give it to him and so on. My aunt has her own issues with health and such, and besides it’s an awkward topic so it’s quite likely she won’t follow up.

      Good and healing thoughts to you too,
      SDW

  2. kate1975
    September 1, 2011

    Hi SDW,

    Sounds like she calculated what she was saying to your aunt, based on everything, and came out looking pretty good. Though of course not to you. I get mad just thinking of the disruption she caused you during that time of waiting. Narcissist much? Sorry that she is your female parent.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      September 2, 2011

      Yup, I think you nailed it. Well, at least I’m learning. It’s why I don’t permit her to interact with me in person any more.
      Good and healing thoughts to you too.
      SDW

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