May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Incest Survivors, Spirituality and Ceremonies of Justice – the story of a woman living a rich, fulfilling life while waiting to dance on her sociopath father's grave.

I am open, and I am willing

Hey folks. I know I haven’t been writing here much lately. I’m working on my book a bit, it’s coming along nicely, actually. I got a bit of a boost from a reader here who commented with support for my writing (thanks!) and got going on it. Also, I haven’t had anything sworddancerly to report. I haven’t heard from any of my biological family, I’ve not been triggered by anything and life is going pretty well. Mostly I’m just busy at work.

I’ve also started working out with a personal trainer. For folks that can afford it, I recommend it. I would say overall it’s cheaper than joining a gym, because there’s no way I’d go regularly to a gym. Too many thin, fit people there, it’s off-putting. And the music is loud, and… well you get the picture. My trainer brings us to a gym that’s only for trainers, so the only people there are out of shape, older people like me, and their trainers. My wife and I go together.

On the survivor front, I made it really clear to the trainer that I was a “no pain, no pain” kind of gal and not a “no pain, no gain” gal, and that one of my main motivations for working with a trainer was to avoid injury or being too sore or exhausted to work at my main job. I just wanted to learn to have fun moving my body, and do things that made me feel strong and powerful. I like working with the trainer because I can ask questions right away like: “am I doing this right?” or “my knee hurts when I do that, is there another way to do it?”.

I'm guessing Xena would know how to dance on a sociopath's grave....Photocredit: Unknown.

I’m having a lot more fun than I thought I would. I really like the free weights and feeling all strong lifting them. I’ve got a big body (tall and big boned, not just curvy) so I do have quite a bit of power and it’s nice to feel it. I’m actually bigger than your average guy, which is kind of nice to realize if I’m walking on a street at night. I’m aiming to be a big strong sword-dancing amazon. I’m getting what are starting to look like fit-looking muscle bulges on my arms too. Okay, I’m starting to fit the lesbian stereotype, and that’s fine. If I end up looking like Xena or Wonder Woman, that’s just fine with me. (Actually, I do look quite a lot like Xena already…)

My wife is having some challenges lately to do with her work, and is pretty depressed. As per normal, she won’t let me do anything to help, so I’m kind of stuck here waiting for her to figure it out. Depressed people aren’t very creative in thinking about solutions to their own problems or seeing options, which is frustrating to be around. She’s also got chronic pain and what I think is sleep apnea. None of which she’ll do a lot about. I know, it’s hard when you’re depressed to do anything. I think back to when I was depressed in my early healing, though, and know that I fought pretty persistently through it, sneaking around my limitations. Okay, I didn’t have energy to do anything, I’d work on getting enough rest. Okay, I was crying all the time, I’d give myself permission to cry as much as I wanted till it cleared. Okay, I was low energy all the time, I’d make sure I at least took my vitamins.

I’m not one of those perky pollyanna types, really I’m not. I think I’m pretty honest about calling it as I see it when there is a bad situation going on.

Speaking of bad situations, my country is going to hell in a handbasket and I’m really worried about it. We’ve elected a prime-minister (our national head of government) who is evil. George Bush-calibre evil. He’s on record as wanting to dismantle our universal health care system and social safety net. He squeaked in the last two times with a minority government, which means he can’t do much that would really annoy the other two parties elected, but now he’s got a majority, which means he can really do anything he wants. This is one guy I’d like to dance a sword dance for (or on).

This guy is anti-marriage equality, anti-women, and a right-wing religious nutball with creepy eyes. Someone put a video on youtube of him speaking, comparing his manner and words to Emperor Palpatine (who later is the evil emperor, Darth Vader’s boss) from Star Wars, and the comparison is apt. I like to refer to him as ‘Voldemort’. He thinks global warming is a hoax, sent our citizens to for ‘enhanced questioning” in other countries by less torture-averse allies of the US and has taken down pictures of all the past Canadian leaders and replaced them with multiple copies of his own face.  I just can’t believe that the good, decent, let’s take care of each other citizens of Canada elected this creep. He seems to have a lot of money behind him, and used it to saturate the airwaves with ads, particularly attack ads on the other parties. He’s sneaky and Machiavellian, and is right now dismantling all the government accountability and freedom of information services so that when he really gets going doing evil, it will be hard to find out before it’s too late.

It’s kind of like the ‘abuser always win’ problem with survivors. Justice for us (well me) has been so sparse it’s easy to get hopeless. My religious Pagan self says, it’s part of the Goddess’ plan perhaps, and sometimes a loss is the way to a greater gain. Our most progressive party in Canada also won a lot of seats in the last election and is now official opposition, but with a right wing majority in parliament, all they can really do is complain.

The nutballs within the Christian faith (don’t worry, we all have our nutballs, I’m not being anti-Christian here) are going on about how we are in a time of tribulation and the world is going to end and such. I have to say it seems like a time of tribulation to me too, but they’re causing it. A lot of them are against doing anything for the environment because they want to get the end of the world  over with. I say to them, “Don’t you want to hedge your bets?”. It seems like doing evil (destroying the environment and making species extinct and people starve to death  and such…) in the name of religion is still evil. Just saying.

So I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. My God(dess) is more of an ‘empower the people and you sort it out’ kind of god, which isn’t nearly as comforting as a “don’t you worry your pretty head, I’ve got it all in hand” kind of god. The Earth, Gaia, a living and most likely sentient organism, has an complexity and intelligence that is vast and beyond me. She makes this planet function so incredibly beautifully, and it breaks my heart to know that she is wounded by our actions.  I can only hope that each of our hope, goodness and willingness to take right action in the world on Her behalf will be enough to overcome and heal this cancer of greed the way the way a healthy body routinely dispatches cancer cells before they get out of hand. May the less literal soul of Canada do the same.

Photocredit: unknown

As children’s author Dr. Seuss would say “unless people like you care a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not”. The only generally agreed upon moral rule of Neo-Paganism is “an it harm none, do as thou wilt” , which means: As long as it harms no-one or nothing, do as you will. The quality of ‘will’ is important in Neo-Paganism, where we literally believe that you can will things to happen to a certain degree, much in the way that other people pray for things to happen. I am ‘willing’ everything to work out in the best possible way as hard as I can right now. I am ‘willing’ the world supply of Goodness to be blessed and increase.  Anything more specific is too simplistic to have an impact on this chaos; I’m trusting in the mysterious forces for good in the universe to work things out, and am willing to cooperate in any way I can.  Compost, eat organic, sustainable transportation, stick up for others, stick up for myself, vote, help ethical politicians and groups, speak up and out, I am willing.

Holly Near has a great song the lyrics of which were written in response to the US’s dark period governed by George Bush. I can only hope we get our own Canadian version of Obama to clean up the mess this bastard is making too. It’s a grieving song and a hopeful alliance with goodness and change song. Here are the lyrics.

“I am open, and I am willing, for to be hopeless, would seem so strange. It dishonours those who go before us, so lift me up to the light of change.  There is hurting in my family, there is sorrow in  my town. There is a panic all across the nation. There is wailing the whole world round. But I am open, and I am willing, for to be hopeless would seem so strange, it dishonours those who go before us. So lift me up to the light of change. Give me a mighty oak, to hold my confusion, and give me a desert, to hold my fears. Give me a sunset, to hold my wonder. And give me an ocean, to hold my tears. May the children see more clearly, and may the elders be more wise. May the winds of change caress us even though it burns our eyes. For I am open and I am willing, for to be hopeless would seem so strange. It dishonours those who go before us, so life me up to the light of change.”

May it be so.

More great Holly Near songs: Gentle Angry People ; Fired Up

8 comments on “I am open, and I am willing

  1. meredith
    May 28, 2011

    POW! baby… you totally rocked your message. Good for you, and boy is this post something to be proud of

    All my best,

    Meredith

  2. sworddancewarrior
    May 28, 2011

    Thanks!

  3. kate1975
    May 29, 2011

    Dear SDW,

    So sorry about the political situation. So sorry. They are trying to get rid of everything we have here as well. I don’t know what it is about some fundamentalist Christians that make them believe they should do the opposite of what Jesus taught. It truly shows how self-deluded someone can be when they believe the opposite of their own religious belief system.

    Good for you for the trainer. That sounds excellent. Xena, great.

    I will try to work on willing as well. I do believe in it. For me it is a long-term believe that I acquired in my survivorhood and then more strongly in my Reiki. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • sworddancewarrior
      May 29, 2011

      “I don’t know what it is about some fundamentalist Christians that make them believe they should do the opposite of what Jesus taught.” So true. I did some walking meditation today and I feel more hopeful. Allying myself with good, with Mother Earth, makes me feel more hopeful, and like I’m part of something bigger that can make a difference.
      Good and healing thoughts to you too,
      SDW

  4. kate1975
    May 29, 2011

    Hi SDW,

    I’m glad. I always feel more hopeful after being around nature. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. butterflysblog
    June 4, 2011

    Hi Warrior,

    Man, I thought that once a country gave its citizens basic human rights (like universal health care, gay marriage, etc.) then you were in the clear! I didn’t think it through clearly enough so as to understand that even basic rights can be taken away if the people elect a power-hungry jerk into office. I will pray that good triumphs over evil.

    – Butterfly

    • sworddancewarrior
      June 4, 2011

      Me too. I’ve relied on our Canadian values (looking after each other, being fair, overturning laws if they violate our charter of rights and freedoms) doing the job of upholding all that is good about our country, and I guess I still do, but you still have to fight for them. We get pretty smug up here about doing the right thing by our people, tolerance for diversity and all that, and these bastards snuck up on us. It’s hard to believe they’re Canadians, frankly, it’s like Republicans have body-snatched them.

      When you have economically powerful country next door which has spent a few years battling it’s own demons of greed, it has a big backwash on our politics, unfortunately. George Bush is Harper’s role model and buddy, and it seems very likely to me that a lot of the same people are funding him. Thank Goddess you folks finally removed Bush, but it left your baddies with nothing to do for awhile but mess with us, I suspect. The parallels are pretty similar actually, our guy got into office by the skin of his teeth twice before taking hold. He’s spent most of that pretending he isn’t as bad as everyone made him out to be (he used to be leader of an extreme right wing lobby group that openly opposes anything that might be considered ‘the Canadian way’), but only because he had a minority government and couldn’t do anything particularly evil until he got a majority. Then he took out the leader of the party who could stop him by flooding the airwaves with attack ads accusing him of – wait for it – having lived in the US as an immigrant and being too loyal to the US, got some decent quotes too, of this guy saying how the US was now his country and such. Nice way to sidestep his own politics, which are identical to US republicans (aside from the racism, you can’t get away with that here, and he doesn’t care what colour conservative religious wingnut supports him), even though Canada has never, ever had a party that right wing in it’s entire history. He just throws money at it in the forms of ads and stupid people vote for him. It’s maddening. A few days ago one of the pages (like interns) that work in our Senate went AWOL and did a protest during the throne speech, which is where a new government brags about itself and says what it’s going to do while in office. It was fabulous. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2011/06/03/throne-speech-protest-senate-stop-harper_n_871114.html Here’s an article – http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/06/page-protest-was-it-appropriate.html in typical Canadian fashion, we are debating whether what she did was disrespectful (We’re so dang polite)!

  6. marjakathriver
    June 10, 2011

    I like the way you are doing the personal trainer thing. That sounds amazing. I also like the way you are embracing your amazon woman self. I’m sorry, however, to hear, once again, how similar Canada is to your neighbors to the South. It amazes me, really. The U.S. is going to hell in a hand basket as well. I had so many high hopes for Obama, but it isn’t easy to turn things around in four short years. Especially when someone like the evil Bush was in there for eight! And Obama doesn’t have the majority behind him now, either. Sucks!

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